Just some of my favourite stills from my latest video on youtube!
If you didn't know, I'm a lipstick fiend. I collect them and could survive on them alone. If I had to make a choice, I'd take my lipsticks over any other makeup products. and yes, that includes my brows! Lips over brows any day! But I can honestly say that because I'm blessed with pretty good natural brows but horrendously pale lips.
I had a lot of fun filming this video and my lips didn't feel terribly bad after all of that.
I've never been a calm kid. There's a million different thoughts that goes through my mind each day and amongst that million are about what people think of me. When I was younger I can easily shrug this off as a bad case of overthinking. However now that i'm older it seems like the constant worries I have each day could only be described as anxiety.
On good days, I'd be excited to meet new people and on bad days, especially when my self esteem plunges, I'd get into a mini panic attack. I'd think about all the different ways that I could be classed out as irrelevant. Maybe it's because of how I look, or how my hair looks like, or the way i talk. This thought process continues on long after the initial conversation. "did I say please and thank you", "she must have thought that i'm rude", "I know. I'm not pretty nor beautiful". They have tormented me in the majority of my adolescent years and continues well into my adult years.
I remember waiting outside of my best friend's house waiting for her to personally fetch me from my parent's car so that I wouldn't need to enter the bbq party on my own. I was afraid that I would look lonely and sad upon entering the stranger filled party. I was also afraid that I would be unwelcome and, once again, irrelevant. Although I do know her family well, I was still too shy to enter the premises on my own. My heart does not beat as much as it does than the thought of being irrelevant. Over the course of what felt like hours but in actual reality was only a few minutes, I phoned my best friend multiple times and was so scared to leave my parent's car that I almost wanted to give up the party all together and go home. Note that this feeling occurs countless of times since.
Although I've been fortunate enough to have never experienced panic or anxiety attacks, I've always figured that you had to have one to be classed as having social anxiety. Now that I'm more aware it is not often the case. Some has it bad, while some, like me, has it mild. But an apple is an apple regardless of it's density.
I've always turn to fashion to deal with my social anxiety. I always thought that perhaps if I look cooler people might accept me. Maybe if I had cool shoes I would be, guess what, relevant. I used to shut the voices in my head with the idea of comfort. If I look how I want to look, regardless of what I think people think of me, I would be able to calm myself and successfully face the world. Fashion became an armour, because at the end of the day I realise that it doesn't matter what people think of how I look.
It's not to say that I've completely dealt with social anxiety nor is it a thing of my past. I'm still struggling with it everyday, but every little step I take is one step further.
I woke up one morning thinking that I really want to take some tumblr-esque photos of me fiddling with my sheets. I failed, obviously. I am not capable, at all, of taking tumblr photos. For one I don't own any stark white sheets, nor have I got long slender legs. But I do have killer grey walls and ornaments that goes on for days, so I got that going on for me! I love being home again but oh man, I'm not used to having this much of attention by my family! It's been years since I've been home for a long period of time. Usually I spend most of my time in KL and usually spend not more than a month at home. This time around I'll be home for over 4 months and I am slowly unravelling.
From being alone all the time to having four other people all up in your business all the time is unsettling and a bit overwhelming.
On a completely different note, I am absolutely in love with this MUA Velvet Lip Lacquer! I got it a couple of months before I left the UK and it's been my go to 'night-time' red lip colour. All my other red lipsticks appears quite orangey on my skin tone so it looks very 'day time', if you know what I mean. The colour that I got is called 'Reckless' and it's adequately dark for my skin. And if you hadn't notice, it's perfectly matte! I am officially obsessed!
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I GOTTA STAY (LO) ALL THE TIME. TO GET YOU OFF MY MIND
If you didn't already noticed, I got a tattoo. Yes, those triangles on my wrist are not fake or drawn on - they're permanently inked on me. I finally did it. I got what I've been lusting for for years! When I came clean with my parents about my new addition they surprisingly took it well. Ever since I got it, I've been imagining the worst although all my friends assured me that my parents will be fine with it on account that they are the 'cool' type of parents. And lo behold, they were right! Plus, what's the worst thing that could happen? Being disowned? Kicked out of the house? When in fact what actually did happen was that I got about two seconds of shock and a face that read "that was totally expected of you actually".
BEFORE GETTING A TATTOO
Ever since I saw this photo on tumblr I became obsessed. I want it. I want it on my body. I want those triangles on my wrist. I explained what it personally means to me here. So after a year of contemplation, I went and made a booking at the local tattoo shop back in February. It was about a week before Fashion Week and I was more than ready. I made sure I did all my research and answered all those 'Questions to ask before getting a tattoo' advice videos that are so abundant in youtube, this video in particular helped me out a ton. In that video she advised to remind yourself how much you want a tattoo everyday for over the course of three months. You can do this by placing a photo of it anywhere that you are guaranteed to look at every day, like your mirror, or like what I did, the background of my iPhone lock screen.
Tattoo's are permanent, and they are expensive and they are painful so I made sure that I'm doing it for the right reasons and that I wouldn't regret having it.
Choosing a tattoo parlour was relatively easy for me. Besides its meaning, I wanted my first tattoo to be symbolic of my journey abroad. Studying and living in England is a big deal and I wanted to commemorate that. Who cares if it was much more expensive compared to the Malaysian standards! It was more for the experience than anything els for me. I had about 5 different people telling me that my tattoo was expensive and that I basically wasted a lot of money getting a tattoo in the UK instead of Malaysia. But honestly I couldn't be more offended by it. Money does not faze me. I don't put a price on memories or experiences, and I urge you to do the same. And don't compare tattoo prices because it's distasteful and obnoxious.
Basically find a studio that suits your aesthetics. If you don't like the vibe, find a different one. I didn't have much options for my first tattoo but for my next one I made sure to scour the field. Each tattoo artist have their own signature style and I encourage you to look through their portfolio first. If what you're looking for does not match the artist's style then you might not get a great tattoo. Try not to settle and find a studio that matches you most.
AFTER GETTING A TATTOO
I'm basically skipping the 'getting a tattoo' part, because it's pretty much straight down the line. You go to the parlour, you get inked, you pay for it, and you're done. Aftercare is important, and I'm not nearly experienced enough to talk about it. There are plenty of videos on youtube and blog posts that discusses the right way to care for it in detail. My tattoo artist personally recommended that I apply Bepanthol ointment every couple of hours to keep the tattoo area moisturised. Some may tell you to use Vaseline, or other types of ointment - basically listen to your tattoo artist! I learned to keep it moisturised because it itched ridiculously, and the ointment helped reduce the itch and my enormous urge to ruin it.
TATTOO ETIQUETTE, AKA HOW NOT TO BE AN ASSHOLE
This is the part where I rant a little. I just want to touch on the responses I got from my friends about my tattoo. It's a given that triangles is a hipster thing - I know, I'm well aware of it. However it means something to me despite the irony and stigma behind it. It was my choice to get and I still get dirty looks and under the breath chuckles about it. I've even came across a couple of people (friends, acquaintances, douchebag boyfriends of friends) that pretty much laughed at the sight of my triangles. Not gonna lie, it obviously hurts to be in a situation of ridicule and I've become more so angry than I am upset.
Simply because tattoos are personal. It's something you get for yourself with intent meaning and no one can, or should ever judge you for it. It obviously means a lot for a person to have it PERMANENTLY inked on their body! Basically what I'm trying to get across is don't comment on how expensive it is, or how ridiculous it is. Just don't ever say anything that could possibly diminish the sentimental value of a tattoo. Be a nice human being and keep your pessimistic opinions to yourself.
YOU DO YOU.
At the end of it all, it's your tattoo. It's your body. You will be the one bleeding so make it worth. Do what you want and don't let anyone rain over your parade. Now that I've gotten the taste, I can truthfully say that I'm gonna go back for seconds, or thirds, or even fourths. I've already got a couple more ideas under my belt and I'm just figuring out the best time and place to get it. I really want to get a tattoo in every country I visit, like my own personal form of travel memorabilia. Well, enough about me - what tattoo plans do you have?
Welcome to my humble abode.
I tried out a new editing technique in this month's Dear instalment. My 35mm lens don't have an anti shake feature so the video footages that I had were too shaky for my taking. All that is fixed in post though, so none to worry. It gives off a very relaxing and indie sort of vibe too.
Hope you enjoy watching it, and if you do, do give it a thumbs up & subscribe if you want!